freeing ourselves from tyranny

George Washington was a fierce advocate of personal liberties. Before you jump in and agree with him on this matter, understand that the "personal liberties" he spoke about are little more than distant echoes and are nothing at all like what we now consider personal liberties today. He was also deeply concerned about tyranny of establishments and institutions in all matters. He was especially concerned about the influences of church bodies and the dictates of outspoken congregations and added that we, "worship by the dictates of our own conscience." I think the principal different between political parties in these matters exist in the interpretation of that reliance on conscience. I believe most democrats hold dear the use of conscience as the most important ingredient and valued freedom in the process of making decisions to benefit the greater good. What happens if legislators aren't of good conscience? I believe that are two party politics today have evolved into not simply democrat and republican. I believe we have evolved to a point where most American's are wispering christian and non-christian instead of republican and democrat. That's not to say that you can't be a christian and a democrat but if you search your hearts, you must agree that that is where we are headed.

Washington was also opposed to a party system of government. He believed that a two or more party system would encourage conflict and prevent governments from getting work done. It looks like he was right. Look how far we have fallen. In the midst of a national tragedy: a beloved politician is shot in the head by an allegedly unstable young man and members of the democratic party have perverted the words of a member of the other party in such a way to suggest that she is somehow responsible for this terrible event. That is deplorable political profiteering. Those responsible should be stripped of their political influence and publicly reprimanded.

What would George Washington say if he had a glimpse at the country that he fought so hard to create. Instead of using a tragedy to someone's benefit, let's focus our energy toward finding cures, or at least effective treatments for the mentally ill. Perhaps we could use this opportunity to find new ways to enhance security for political figures or for everyone for that matter.

one voice..............unheard

Today was.............unpleasant. I left for work today wondering how the day would unfold; professionally, emotionally, personally, physically. When I set foot out the door for the first time, I had no idea what lay ahead. The last few days had been re assuredly warm and unseasonably pleasant. What concerned me most was a less than stellar weather forecast. Not just because seasonal affective disorder had been unusually harsh for me over the last six months, but also because I've learned that drastic changes in the weather; be they good to bad or otherwise, seemed to play a direct role in what the doctor's are calling a Lupus-like illness. Changes in the weather affect a lot of people, but it seems at this point that drastic changes in weather patterns almost certainly mean a significant increase in pain.

A couple of years ago, I found myself in the doctor's office having a very difficult time getting over a particularly nasty cold. What made this situation unusual were some symptoms I began to present which didn't seem to be associated with your average garden variety cold. I have been experiencing joint pain throughout my body on and off for a few years. What made this instance unique was the fact that the pain was symmetrical throughout various joints of my body in addition to some swelling in both hands that left them nearly twice their normal size. After a brief examination, the doctor ordered some blood work and sent me on my way. A few short days later, I received a phone call from his office to schedule a follow-up regarding the test results. During the visit, the doctor commented on some of the findings using terminology I hadn't heard before. He mentioned some conflicting results involving my ANA titer and sed rate. A brief explanation revealed that these test results indicate the possibility of an autoimmune abnormality but his lack of expertise in this field prevented him from making a conclusive diagnosis. With that, he sent me to a rheumatologist.

After some extremely expensive tests ordered by this rheumatologist and a series of office calls, I was no closer to an explanation than I was when the symptoms first presented. He dismissed me saying that based on all the tests that had been done, he could not definitively indicate the presence of either RA (rheumatoid arthritis) or SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus) but did add that there are probably thousands of variations of these illnesses out there and this may be one of them. Rather than continue investigating my problem further, he sent me back to my family doctor who would likely treat the symptoms. Having been dismissed by the rheumatologist, my family doctor now refers to my condition as arthritis. In my experience, an arthritis diagnosis is very similar to a virus diagnosis. In both cases, they are doctor-speak for, "I don't know what it is."

I've told my story to a number of family and friends and on numerous occasions they have encouraged me to get a second opinion. If circumstances were different, that is what I would have done. However, the out of pocket expense to get that second opinion is cost prohibitive. Because my initial visit to the rheumatologist took place before I had health insurance, it falls into the category of "pre-existing conditions". Even if my insurance company did cover aspects of a second opinion, the co-pays and non covered tests and/or procedures would still be out of reach for me. So, what are my options?

Some have told me to press the issue with my family doctor. I fear that since the main issue involves relief from the pain, I will be labeled simply as someone trying to get pain medication. Since I don't have a conclusive diagnosis, the non-narcotic medications that are used to effectively treat autoimmune diseases are off the table. Others have suggested that I explore programs like medicare. Our income disqualifies me from that kind of coverage. Others have suggested more non-traditional approaches such as acupuncture and hypnosis. Simply put, I am not fooled by snake-oil peddlers.

What I fear is a concern that affects hundreds of thousands of people who are in diagnostic limbo like myself. Pain can be and has been an extremely powerful motivating force. And those of us who find ourselves in this position will eventually reach the point where we will take whatever means necessary to escape the pain. None of which are safe, let alone effective. But to someone who sees little hope ahead, anything is better than nothing at all, no matter what the risk.

What Obama-care promises is more stream lined and effective care through vast databases of patient records. Although this initiative has at least the potential to succeed, doctors must first cast aside old treatment paradigms and utilize this modern technology to yield better treatment results. It is my hope that one of the first changes made involves pain management. At this stage in the game, doctors treat pain conservatively in light of the numerous cases of malpractice that are filed each year. In a large percentage of these cases, doctors are being sued when their patients misuse the drugs they are prescribed. Is there a solution to this drug problem? You bet there is. Kill all the lawyers. If people misuse the drugs they are prescribed, then they must face the consequences.

help us George Lucas, you're our only hope

I consider myself very fortunate to have grown up in era that gave us Star Wars. With the world of recorded media growing by leaps and bounds, our children's, children's children's (you get the idea) will be able to enjoy Lucas' crowning achievements from now on. Although I hope younger generations are as awe-struck as I was, there were so many environmental variables that existed in 1977 that made seeing it on the big screen so poignant. I think one of the most important things to consider is that movie goers went to theaters having no idea what they were about to see. For a movie that took on $11 million dollars to make (that's less than 40,000,000.00 adjusted for inflation in 2009 dollars), and having an almost nonexistent advertising budget; the majority of learned about the film by word of mouth.

I will never forget the summer of 1977. After seeing Star Wars for the first time, my friends and I decided we were going to watch it over and over again. So, with the little bit of money I'd earned hoarding my allowance, my friends and I watched it 25 times that summer alone. From the time Star Wars left the big screen, to the time The Empire Strikes Back, the franchise fan base exploded. So much so, I believe these movies are among only a select few that shifted all of pop culture off it's axis.

I've been involved in numerous conversations where "so called" experts debate the likenesses and the differences between the first and second trilogies. Some might argue that the first three movies were better because everything was hand made. Everything from makeup and wardrobe to physically built sets. It was genius! Lucas was forced to use old school filming techniques and adapt them into his projects in a manner that had never been seen before. I look at it from the standpoint of someone buying a car. The first three films represent buying your very first car on our own. You get to enjoy that new car smell, you don't have to worry about how the car was treated by the previous owners etc. On the other hand, I compare the prequel trilogy to buying a used car. Even though the car may be new to you, you will never have the distinction of being the car's first owner.

Lucas once said in an interview that CGI has allowed him to bring his imagination to the screen that would not have been possible in the 70's and 80's. On the other hand, these is an axiom that states the more CGI you incorporate into a motion picture, the harder it becomes for audiences to identify with the characters. No matter the position, I think most would agree that life seems so different now. We have all been affected by Lucas' vision in one form or another.

I lived in Chicago around the time of Return of the Jedi was to be the biggest blockbuster of the summer. I remember there was a lot of hype in the media regarding this third release. Although some claims were really out there, some of these "spoilers" were actually accurate. I will never forget the afternoon when my mother and I were in the car going somewhere and we were listening to WBBM FM 96.3 when the dj announced over the broadcast that Darth Vader dies in the film. I'm sure George Lucas has much better control over the flow of information now and it would be highly unlikely that any dj would be able to get his or her hands on Mr. Lucas' intellectual property.

One such rumor came out that summer that I am hoping is true. I remember an announcement had been made that stated George at one point had been planning to make a total of nine motion pictures. He was later quoted as saying that he had condensed the entire story; front to back until only six scripts were left. Since the release of episodes I, II and III, one of the most common questions asked of Lucas regarding the franchise is, "will there be more"? The closest thing to the word "no" has been his comment that Star Wars was written with just six chapters.

Mr Lucas, your fans are diligent and resolute. We are going to continue clapping our hands and stomping our feet until we get our encore. Even if it is announced that you have left the building, we will continue to stand at our feet, clapping and stomping until you give us what we ask for. You are our only hope

Media giants' proposal could punish cash strapped families

The Associated Press reported today that 4 major television networks are considering ending over-the-air television broadcasting. Fox network's Rupert Murdoch stated that the television broadcasting has become so expensive that networks can no longer rely simply on ad revenues for survival, "good programming is expensive." Cable giant Comcast Corp's acquisition of NBC may very well be the first step in that direction, thus ending nearly 60 years of free over-the-air broadcasting. Who will be most affected by this change?

The last couple of years have been more financially devastating than most people can recall. As a result, the loss of jobs and income have forced many families to cut living expenses dramatically. For most families, one of the first expenses to be cut is entertainment. Before the recession, my family subscribed to a premium, high definition cable television service that included a DVR, we were also fortunate to have high speed internet service as well. On average, these two services cost us between $100.00 and $150.00 per month. Since then, we have been forced to cancel not only our cable television service completely, but also the high speed internet service as well. Believe me, this transition was very difficult for us. Even before the recession, many forms of entertainment have become so cost-prohibitive that television had become our primary source of entertainment. At this point, our only source of entertainment comes from the small hand full of television stations we are able to receive from our roof-mounted antenna. With this new proposal, we stand to lose that as well.

The word around the water cooler suggests this is simply an attempt to recover the cost of the analog to digital transition that took place during the middle to 2009. I'd say there is probably some truth to that claim, but I feel there is much more to it than that. It's all about profit. But, at what point does it turn from a simple healthy P&L to that of just blatant greed? According to BIAfn Media Access Pro, from 1995 to 2002, television stations saw an increase in profits of nearly 3%. It also states that the average television station saw profits between 20 and 25 million dollars each year, that includes the cost of the analog to digital transition. Not just a healthy P&N any way you slice it.

I feel it is situations like this that warrant the same kind of investigation leveled against the automotive and banking industry that took place during the first stages of the economic bailout. Banks and the auto industry were logical targets of an investigation largely due to amount of revenue that changes hands each year, but I don't think it should end there, I think what our economy needs is a revolution. We need to stop and question executive compensation in every level of business. Am I suggesting that hard work shouldn't be rewarded? Absolutely not! However, as long as we still have millions of families living in fear that they could lose their homes to foreclosure, paying through the nose for inadequate health care, and living in fear of losing their jobs to cheaper labor overseas, then I feel everyone should step forward and do the right thing. Sacrifices shouldn't only be made by the working class.

Is there an easy solution? No, there are no easy answers, but until every working, tax-paying American takes a good hard look at their own role in this economic maelstrom, then the division that exists between the middle and low income versus the rich, is going to continue to grow. It's alarming when you consider that 97% of the income generated revenue will be earned by less than 3% of the workforce.

I just don't see the problem

There is no question, the retail environment is nothing like it was when are parents were growing up. In fact, it's completely different from when I was a kid. Fifty years ago, a large percentage of shopping was done at locally owned and operated businesses. If you look at almost all of the small towns across America, "down town" was the center of almost all commerce. As years passed, business experts discovered that manufacturers and suppliers were willing to give discounts to retailers who agreed to purchase large quantities of their products. This led to the birth of the franchise. It is because of these arrangements that the number of retail chains exploded. Looking back, I'm sure these retail chains weren't terribly popular with locally owned businesses nearby.

Since the world of retail is in a constant state of flux, even the most successful retailers have had to make frequent changes in order to compete in the global economy. Fast food chains are constantly changing the appearance of their buildings, their menus and their incentives to keep the customers coming. Insurance companies and airlines have spent billions in advertising and "perks" in order to compete. But it wasn't until the emergence of the big-box retailers that many small town business owners began to speak out.

The "big box retailer" concept really isn't very old. However, most consumers can't remember how they ever survived before them. Because of their growing popularity, the number of businesses have adapted to that big box retail model keeps growing. In fact, one chain in particular, has built so many stores that in many cases, their only true competition happens to be one of their own stores on the other side of town. Competing with yourself may seem like a silly thing to do but if you think about it, if you are going to lose business to someone, why not lose it to yourself.

On the dark side of big box retailing, some claim that big box retailers do more harm than good to the communities they inhabit. Many documentaries have been filmed that attempt to prove these retail giants are harmful by showing images of local businesses have been forced to close citing their inability to compete. Some opponents claim harm even when one of these retailers builds a larger store down the block. They claim harm by suggesting the closing of one location and opening a larger store down the street does grave harm to other retail establishments in the shopping center where the old store used to be. Joining small business owners in the fight against big box stores is the afl-cio. The reason they are involved is because most of the big box retailers in the country have found that there is really no need for third party representation. Most have made commitments to their workforce that eliminate that need.

Some argue that big box retailers cost jobs. How so? When a big box retailer comes to town and a local grocery store is forced to close their doors, the number of jobs lost when that local business closes averages between 35 and 40 workers. However, the new big box retailer will likely employ ten times as many people. Others claim that shopping at a national chain takes money away from a community. I say not true. Many national chains make huge contributions to local government as well as community based non profit organizations. Those contributions consist of tens of thousands of dollars each year.

As far as I'm concerned, people can fight about this subject all they want. To be truthful, I can see both sides to this argument. But, when the dust settles, it all boils down to one simple fact. What is the best way to spend my hard earned paycheck. Isn't it a no-brainer? The best way to spend my paycheck is to find a way to get the things you need and pay as little as possible to achieve that. Our economy continues to struggle. As a result, almost all Americans have had to make some tough choices. I think we'd all like to be able to buy all our groceries at our corner grocery store, but I can buy the things I need for less money at the chain store, you bet that's where I'm going to go.

It is sad to see local businesses close their doors. But unfortunately, that plan was set in motion more than 50 years ago. It wasn't until big box stores came to town that small businesses were dealt the death blow. Looking in the other direction, I predict the time will come when these big box stores will find themselves in the same place the small business owners are in today. When they do, they are likely to make the same arguments that the small businesses are doing today. When that happens, it's not going to be the fault of this next best thing in retail. It's going to be the fault of the customer, just like it is today. Big box stores are only as successful as the customers that shop there.

What an Obama-nation

I think Glen Beck was right. I strongly agree that our president is a racist. The events of Cambridge Massachusetts being case in point. I'll agree the GOP has been fueling that fire, but isn't that, or shouldn't that be the least of our worries?

The campaign promises of the last dozen or so presidents has been health care reform. And why wouldn't it? It is in the top two most important concerns of must Americans. I was watching an unamed news channel that ran a story about campaign promises such as this one. The news anchor reporting the story, offered video clips of presidential candidates promising to fix health care in the united states. The last clip they showed was Barack Obama issuing the same promise. The reporter almost seemed to boast that President Obama is the only presidential candidate that offered any kind of time frame.

To paraphrase his speech, he stated that his aggressive health care reform plan will completely fix our health care crisis in 10 years. I think almost everyone who watched that speech live, sat in stunned silence, even by his own party. Banking on his promise, voters ran to their polls and elected our first African American President. He knew he could capture the baby-boomer vote with this promise, but his time frame clearly illustrates a deception.

Take a moment and think through this carefully. Why would he use a 10 year time frame? It's simple. Can't figure it out? Let me give you two words as a clue: term limits. By issuing a ten year goal, if health care is reformed in ten years, then he can take credit for putting the plan into motion. If it fails, it will do so long after Mr. Obama leaves the White House. If that happens, Obama can easily blame the next administration.

I encourage you to take this to heart. He does not care one little bit about this promise. Being independently wealthy and the result of his presidency, he will likely never pay another cent for health care as long as he lives. So, no matter what happens with health care, he will never be affected by it.

value of friendship

As I've gotten older, I am finding that true friendship is of value beyond measure. I'm not sure why; perhaps the reckless abandon of youth, friendships always came easy. There wasn't any sort of criteria or expectation involved in the birth of friendship which made them very easy to come by, but with life experience, we integrate a variety of subliminal checks and balances as a type of screening process that allow us to avoid poor choices that may have been made in the past. As a result, with fewer friendship options comes a greater value of the ones that remain. But, regardless of how careful we've become, occasionally friendships occur that result in heartache. My purpose for writing about one of these heartaches is multi-faceted. My primary purpose for writing about one of these heartaches is to better understand it all, another reason for writing about it is the hope that someone can read about my experience and avoid the kind of hurt I've felt and lastly, I hope these "friends" will finally learn; and take responsibility for, the hurt they have caused.

Having grown up in a family with 80's-era white-collar parents, we didn't live in the same place for more than 5 years at a time. As a result, my brother and I grew up among kids from a variety of social circles. On one end of the scale, we lived among some of the best examples of poor white trash and on the other end, we had friends who were from families with 6 and 7 digit incomes. Some kids criticized us for being spoiled rich kids while others saw us as lower class Indiana hillbillies. As a result, it was extremely rare for my brother and I to have friends from families like our own. I can't speak for my brother, but I spent most of my teens feeling like an outsider. I found it more difficult because I grew up without must self-esteem.

Because we moved around a lot, my brother and I went to several schools. The types of schools I attended offered less than desirable public education to private schools funded by some of Chicago's wealthiest and elite families. These education settings made the establishment of friendships even more difficult. I think all of these changes caused me to always feel like an outsider and an outcast which made me the target of a great deal of bullying.

By the time I reached high school, I lived in constant fear of being beaten up. I never had the opportunity to become involved in any extracurricular activities which made it even more difficult to identify with my classmates. I didn't play sports so I really didn't have any friends that were jocks. I didn't play an instrument so I didn't have much in common with any of the band kids and I was way too introverted to be involved in school government and all the bullying and moving around took it's toll on my grades so I didn't have much in common with the kids that excelled academically so the few friends I did have were usually social outcasts like myself. I just didn't fit in.

Before the start of my senior year, I remember going through my parents' yearbooks. What caught my attention were the kids that were seniors. Much like the yearbooks of today, next to the pictures of all the graduating seniors were the lists of accomplishments and the activities they'd been involved with. I guess you could say that I experienced an epiphany. I realized that if I didn't make some serious changes, I was going to be one of the kids that had nothing listed next to their picture. I became determined that I wasn't going to let that happen. So, I made up my mind, I was going to have to make some serious changes.

In addition to my new found determination, I think I was actually beginning to settle in to my own skin because once we settled in to our first grading period, I hit the ground running. One of the classes I took my senior year was called communications. In many ways, this class was my Dead Poet's Society. In addition to helping me feel more self-confident, it allowed me to nurture the talents that exist in each of us. This class broke open a floodgate creating only one regret: that I hadn't discovered this class sooner.

A short time after the class started, our teacher announced try-outs for speech team. One of the kids that I quickly became friends with, Nik, had been on the speech team the previous year and encouraged me to try it. My immediate feeling on the matter was terror. I had never been one terribly comfortable in front of people speaking, but I quickly remembered my experience with my parents' yearbooks. I saw this as an opportunity to have something by my name in my yearbook. During try-outs, Nik introduced me to the other members who had been on the speech team the year before and before I knew it, I found myself involved with like-minded kids for the first time.

During the very first speech meet, I had some serious doubts about being on this team. I remember before I went in to my very first round, I was so terrified that I went into the bathroom and vomited. Would I remember my lines? Would I make a fool out of myself??? I didn't know for sure, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and participated anyway. Typically, a speech meet lasts all day on each Saturday they are scheduled. During the meet, which ever categories you are involved in, meets three different times and depending on how well you score, you can qualify for a fourth and final round. After all of the final rounds are complete, all the students from all the schools meet in an auditorium and those that have attended a final round then learn how they have scored overall. That first Saturday, I didn't make it to a final round. And even though I was disappointed to have not placed, I experienced a personal victory for having accomplished something that I had previously been too terrified to do. That was reward enough.

There were around 20 kids or so on the speech team that year. The thing that meant the most to me about this group of 20 or so kids was that we were tight. Although there were occasional differences that occurred among them, we never lost focus of what we were doing and the personal relationships rarely got in the way of what we were there to do. I think this bond that we shared was the result of just one very important element. We drew close to each other because each one of us were outcasts. We were all castaways from the established social circles common in every high school. What was about to happen took everyone by surprise and once it occurred, none of us ever looked back.

In order to fully appreciate what happened, it's important to know a little bit about each of the kids that made us this unique force. It's important because up to that point, each member of this speech team were examples of kids that most often were the targets of some of the cruelest forms of bullying imaginable. I'm not going to mention these kids by name here, instead, I will give a description of them that will still clearly illustrate the malady. One of us didn't particularly like to bathe, a couple members struggled with their sexual identity, a few came from families where some of the darkest forms of abuse continued to occur, one fully resented one parent and played the role of parent to the other parent, a couple were unrealized geniuses and the rest were a culmination of backward, maladjusted introverts very fond of Dungeons and Dragons while the remaining few were academically brilliant while being socially retarded. But one commonality that we all shared was that we outcasts of mainstream high school culture.

The year progressed and as we became better at our craft, the closer we all became as friends. In addition to the time we invested in speech team, we all began socializing outside of school functions. And because many of them/us were uncharacteristically brilliant, the things we involved ourselves in away from school, were nothing like the things that I'd remembered my parents talking about doing when they were our age. Although we were these "outcasts", we didn't do most of the things that you might expect outcasts to do. We didn't do drugs (although some did privately) and for the most part, alcohol never really came up on our social radar. Where did we spend a lot of our time together? Hanging out with a larger group of outcasts. What does that mean......? Well, here's what we did.

During the 80's, punk and alternative music were still widely unknown. Although this genre of music had it's start in the mid to late 70's, it's popularity remained limited to large cities on either coast. The "large group of outcasts", I mentioned above was a small punk/alternative club housed in a small, run-down motel bar in Fort Wayne, IN called "Seventh Level". During the week, the bar sold drinks to cheap, weary travelers, but on Sunday nights, the fabulous freaks converged into an ever-growing collection of social outcasts such as ourselves. It was at Seventh Level where 2 foot tall purple mohawks, liberty spikes and gallons of black nail polish and eyeliner became an established norm. And like our speech team had been for us, "The Level", as it was known, was yet another place where you were accepted just as you are.

Most of the time, Nik and I were the ones that went to the Level almost every Sunday night however, it was not terribly uncommon for other members of our speech team to go along as well. This was the first time I had ever been this comfortable in a public group of kids in my life. And much like the investment we'd made with the speech team, we wanted to learn everything we could about this new niche we'd discovered.

As we became more familiar with the culture, so did our knowledge of it's music. Before long, our music collections changed from bubble gum pop and heavy metal to punk and alternative bands most had never heard of. That was ok by me. The less I am reminded of the groups that used to persecute me, the better.

A couple paragraphs ago, I mentioned that an event took place that surprised everyone. There came a time during my senior year when most of the teasing and bullying that we all had endured one time or another, stopped! The days of being threatened, tripped, intimidated, insulted and ganged up on, were no more. The small group that we had become in the beginning, was now a much larger, stronger and appealing force. This meant that for the first time, school royalty were forced to acknowledge us as a social class, something they never saw coming. If you ask me to identify the turning point, I'd have to say that it took place right around the time when the freshmen and sophomores began to express interest in what we stood for. If I were asked what I felt were the most significant events that took place that year, I would have to say it was this paradigm shift. We went from being one of the biggest groups of social outcasts to the ones who younger kids wanted to be like. I believe the culmination of our efforts occurred during the school dance where the dj agreed to finally play our music.

As quickly as it began, the school year ended. During that summer before college, most of us continued to hang out together. I remembered feeling fear because I was afraid that when school ended, so would the closeness I felt toward everyone that I'd grown to know that year. To my delight, the bond of friendship remained; stronger than ever. Eventually, everyone in the group graduated from high school and the group did everything it could to get together as often as possible. Weeks and months went by and the friendships we all shared remained stronger than ever. I thought it would last forever.

Although the friendship we shared was better and stronger than I'd imagined, there were elements of my life before I met them that went largely unresolved. Having gone fast and furious all year long, I'd never really dealt with the horrible, ugly things that we hope our kids never experience, but sadly, and all too often, they do. I feel it is those events that contributed to using alcohol as a means of coping. It was available and it was an easy way to deal with darkness, especially when you don't want others to see your weakness. I had never been a habitual drinker up to that point, but many of my friends/classmates began to sense that something just wasn't right about my way of dealing/coping with problems. And sadly, it was just the beginning of a very long battle for me.

Like many of the stories we've all heard throughout our lives, my use of alcohol grew steadily. In fact, I can recall times in my life where I was drinking very heavily. There were numerous times where it was not uncommon for me to drink a half gallon of hard liquor every couple of days. This pattern of abuse lasted for years. Having been an addict for so long, I guess I never really realized until later that almost every single time I would get together with all of my friends, I would be drinking. As is the case so often, my alcoholism resulted in a roller coaster of chaos in my life. Much of which was either witnessed by or involved my group of friends. For example, there were probably hundreds of times where I would make the drive between Kendallville and Fort Wayne with a blood/alcohol level two and maybe three times greater than the legal limit. I was all about taking risks. A gamble that nearly cost me my life more times than I care to mention. However, I was never the only one in the group who was dealing with demons in their lives. Each of us had our own unique way of coping; most of which were just as unappealing as my drinking. But, like our outcast creed to accept others as they are, we dealt with the problems among us in stride.

Several years after high school, my friend Nik married a fellow speech team member named Mandy. Coincidentally, at one point, my wife was as close to Mandy as I was to Nik. My wife Jodi told me that she and Mandy had had a huge falling out. Jodi told me that she'd been really hurt by some of the things that took place between she and Mandy, so she decided to write Mandy a letter years later, in an attempt to repair the rift that had been created between them. Jodi hoped to work through the conflict between them, and was really anxious to receive a reply from Mandy, but instead of receiving an olive branch in her reply, she received a letter that announced the permanent end of their friendship. Jodi allowed me to read the letter she'd been sent and I was furious! Mandy's reply cut Jodi to the core! But before I let it tear me apart, I began looking at the past and I realized, if I were in Mandy's place right now, I'd be drinking.

Thinking cooler heads would prevail here, I decided to write Nik an email asking him to basically help me sort through and attempt to understand the events that had just taken place. To my surprise, the response I received from Nik wasn't all that different from the one that Jodi had received from Mandy.

To paraphrase his response, Nik told me that all of my unpredictable behavior made me a force to be reckoned with. He also added that he regretted not getting involved and put and end to my drinking a long time ago. He basically ended the letter by stating that they (he and Mandy)finally reached a point where they decided to walk away from the chaos once and for all. I was devastated. I don't remember if I ever told Nik or not, but he is the only person EVER to have called me a best friend. I remember it in exacting clarity. I felt it was an incredible honor to have gained this title considering how many friends he had. I may have been older than Nik by a couple years, but in many ways I looked up to him. I have never met anyone who was not limited by surrounding and circumstance, or by the expectations of others. It was these strengths that drew people close to him; including myself.

Looking back at all the things that were related to or were the result of my drinking, I can't blame them for becoming overwhelmed by it. It reached a point where my drinking became a consideration in almost every instance where I was involved. I can't fault them for reaching a point where a difficult decision had to be made. People dealing with addiction lose friends in similar situations all the time. And although the contents of the letter hurt deeply, it's the principle of the thing that hurts the most.

It hurts so much because this was the same group of friends that back in high school accepted people just as they were. This is the same group that despised the popular kids bent on exclusivity and popularity. You didn't have to come from a wealthy family or wear designer clothing and listen to all the mind-numbing corporate rock. But now, it appears we have lost sight of our creed. But, 20 years is a long time and I can imagine it would be difficult to remember how hard it is to deal with rejection like that.

Of my speech team family and those in our extended family, only one of them was there for me when I was at my worst. In fact, that person I am extremely close to this very day. At a point when I was living in Florida, I had hit absolute rock bottom. Drugs and alcohol had taken their toll on me, I'd lost my job, my car and was on the verge of homelessness, when one from this large family of friends, took vigil by my side. That person happens to be the woman I eventually married. I reached out to her when my life was in a death-spiral. And no matter what it took, she was determined to help me get my life back in order. The amazing part about this is the fact that Jodi wasn't part of the speech team gang. In fact, I really didn't know her all that well. She was in our extended family and of the hundreds of times I got together with the whole gang, Jodi was present for fewer than a dozen. Nevertheless, she was there for me.

I'd like to say the drugs and alcohol problems went away when I moved back home to Indiana, but they didn't. In fact, the first couple of years we were married, I continued to struggle with addiction. And instead of throwing her hands in the air and say, "that's it, I've had enough !" She has continued to be there for me, to love me and to do whatever it took to see me through it.

After a number of years, I have finally conquered these problems and have established normalcy in life for the first time. She is the embodiment of what true friendship is all about. I still see members of the old speech team gang every once in awhile, but the adhesive that held all of it together is long gone. I have been invited to get together with the whole gang on a few occasions, but I think it was extended to me because it was the polite thing to do. I'm sure they knew I would not attend.

It is this experience, and many like it, that have allowed me to become a better judge of character. It has also allowed me to appreciate and value the true friends I do have. I would also like to add that I am not trying to trivialize alcoholism. It continues to destroy families and friendships all the time. And when I look back to the letter I received from Nik, I keep going back to the part when he told me he regrets not having become involved and put an end to the problem long ago. He should! If I had a friend that I was close to like Nik and I were, I would do everything in my power to see them through. But, I guess that is just the way I value friendship.